just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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