I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
