I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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