Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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