I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
