What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize