apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
