areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
