So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
did i walk over a car last night?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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