you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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