one word: firstdatebathroomanal
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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