I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Too much gin, very little bucket
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
