my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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