We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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