got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
