Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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