can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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