direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
