Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
