Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
