Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
