I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
