What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
