Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
