I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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