Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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