You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
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