Are we in a gay sports bar?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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