He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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