you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
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