I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
