I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
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