I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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