I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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