she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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