You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
