I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
