he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
