so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
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So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
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A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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