I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
