No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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