the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
