Little spoons don't ask big questions
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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