I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
These tits shall not be calmed
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
