Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
