Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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