i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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