i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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