Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
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I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
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I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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