dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
