Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
