But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
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