I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
