Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
