last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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