I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
