dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
