you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
