just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize