it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
