Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
