I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
