Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
