it was like fucking gandolphs beard
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
