Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
